The Dopamine Spiral

What am I looking for?

I pick up my phone and look at my calendar which is where I keep my to-do list. 

I pick it up to look at Instagram and Facebook to check my notifications "for work" and spiral through reels. 

I pick it up and I look for a smile. A distraction. Inspiration. Life.

I pick it up to do something and forget what that thing was and spiral into a rabbit hole looking for dopamine. 

I pick it up to make posts for work and I "look for inspiration" and spiral again. 

I pick it up and go on a group chat, feel less alone, and chuckle a bit. I follow a link to a social page and spiral again. 

I pick it up to use it as a clock reminder- and check my notifications. And spiral. 

I pick it up to use it as a remote- and check my notifications. And spiral.

I pick it up to use it as a map and sit in my driveway- and spiral.

I pick it up to- gasp- answer a call. Which I put on speaker, and when I get to the parking lot or driveway, I scroll and spiral some more. In the name of "checking my notifications."

Checking for what? 

That I matter to someone? 

That someone engaged with my work? 

That I didn't miss anything?

That I need to see life? 

That things are normal somewhere?

That my friends aren't having fun without me?

That something, somewhere, can make me laugh?

Make me feel?

Why don't I have these things in my life without my phone?

How do I find these things when I am always attached to my phone?

I have removed most apps. I TRY to only check the notifications on the web version of socials, and it proves to me that I am not missing anything. But I still go back. 

Today I turned off the internet on my phone and put it on a "focus" mode. 

I turned it back on - twice. In the name of work. In the name of research. The dopamine is instant.

I stopped posting for the most part back in December when my work and personal life were crashing. I understand that people will comment that they care and feel for me, but it is not action, and I didn't want comments and likes. It has been freeing- that I am not looking for comments and likes, at least on my personal pages, but I am still there. On the site. 

Where can I get a flip phone? If I am going to learn how to survive without this crutch to distract me from my life, I need to dive in head first. Like when I wanted to learn how to drive stick so I BOUGHT ONE. 

You read that right. I know how I operate, so what is keeping me here with this box still in my pocket, on my lap, next to my computer?