Saturday, April 5, 2025

Emotional Baggage

I am at that wonderful period of life where I am raising kids (ages 7,9,13,15) and handling my parents' aging, all while navigating my own hormonal changes. This is why we are supposed to have kids young- so that we can take care of everyone separately. Yay, womanhood. 

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My dad has prostate cancer. 

We received the test results yesterday and now we wait for the next steps.

This is the 3rd cancer in a year. Melanoma, thyroid, and now this. Ironically, he had to have surgery on a disk in his neck or we wouldn't have known about the thyroid cancer, which led to them finding the prostate cancer. In that light, we are lucky. He is lucky. It is aggressive and advanced, and had he not needed neck surgery, we would have found out too late. And this entry would read very differently. 

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It is easy to take advantage of the fact that our parents will always be there when things are hectic and life keeps lifing. My parents are extremely involved in my family's life, and make it possible for us to work "off" hours in the hospitality industry, and for us to navigate the activities of 4 kids while working weird hours. 

Most of the time, I see my parents in passing. Dropping off or picking up a kid. Them helping me. We joke that my dad gets dispatched- he is a retired truck driver, so mom is dispatch and he goes where she says. They are the most amazing and loving and involved and supportive grandparents- I couldn't dream of better for my kids. But I want them for me.

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The past few months have made me realize that this is it. I have to change the patterns. I want a relationship that goes further than drop-offs and pick-ups. I want to work less and engage with all of my loved ones more. I don't know how much time I have with either of them to be honest. My mom is the least healthiest person I know. She would disagree, but it is a constant health battle.

Also, my mom does not deal with stress well. She is a doer- a fixer- a go-getter. When things like cancer happen, you cannot fix, do, or go-get. You have to wait and trust. We are not good and waiting and trusting. We just don't do it. But with cancer, there is not another option. We are not oncologists. We are forced to realize our own limitations. We cannot fix everything- and we are not okay being told that. I say "we" because I am very similar and I understand her struggle. 

On the other side of the family, it is not much better. My mother-in-law is refusing to acknowledge that age is catching up with her and her strokes. We thankfully talked her into a ranch closer to where her kids live, but we still don't see her often. And every time we do, she is injured. She refuses assistance or to acknowledge that there are things she cannot do. And we as a family refuse to force her hand. Ignorance is bliss?

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If I learned anything from my father-in-law's death 10 years ago this month, it is that we have to stop and lean in. But I didn't learn. I let life keep lifing. I ignored the years passing and the reality of aging.

Unfortunately, we often forget until it is a crisis. But it is a choice and it involves breaking the pattern. I am being selfish, but dammit- I want memories. I want more. More time, more conversations, more laughter, more history- more. more. more.

I have started to invite my parents over on Mondays- we are both usually home with all of the kids, and I usually cook for the week. We have made them play games and have already made some great memories. They constantly say that they do not want to intrude. I don't know how to make them understand that this is so important for all of us. 

I wish I had made this a part of our lives long ago. I often thought of family dinner nights, but we just kept being so busy and I was so tired. 

Tired is still alive. 

I want 20 years of family dinners, and dammit I will try my best to make it happen. I am now attending all doctor appointments- to clarify, take notes, mediate between both my parents and the doctors, and to summarize. We have all agreed that this worked quite well, and I am glad to be a part of this. And to give back. I want to help them like they always help me. 

But to be honest, I just want them. 

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