How Gardening and Nature Show Up in Society

My neighbor has rats.

Fun, right?

We try to be as natural and zero-chemical as possible, composting and gardening, growing fruits and vegetables in the backyard. And now I am terrified that I will be inviting rats here…

My neighbor also has a fox den that is occasionally used by a mother fox. The first time it happened, it made a crappy spring manageable. We would go out with our coffee and watch as the baby foxes sunbathed and played. It became a ritual for my husband and one of the few things that brought him joy that spring.

We did a ton of research to ensure our pets and kids were safe in the yard with them behind the fence. We talked our neighbor into leaving them until June (when we read that they would leave on their own), and were sad when they left the nest.

Last year, no foxes. We waited and watched. But this year, we were thrilled to see activity. The den grew in an overgrown area of yard that my neighbor does not maintain. We watch every day, waiting for the first cub to pop its head out to feel the sun.

What does this have to do with rats? Guess what eats rats in nature: FOXES!! 

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Then, guess who I found outside with a crossbow behind my fence… my neighbor’s tenant.

I yelled at him to put it away because my kids were outside, and that is not acceptable or safe. But my heart broke a bit- I assumed he was hunting the foxes and hoped he was just an idiot doing target practice.

He kindly put the crossbow away and went back with TWO shovels. I watched as he attacked the fox den. I yelled back to him that foxes eat rats, and that they don’t pose a threat to us. He ignored me and continued to dig.

My stomach turned. I have no say in what they do in their own yard.

I believe that this is a huge problem that we have as a country. When something is different and scares us, we attack instead of learn. We kill instead of love. We poison instead of seeing other options.

I am sitting on my deck, terrified to go back and check on the den. I am powerless. And I just keep seeing the babies and the exhausted mama fox in my head.

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I know that when humans leave this earth, nature will return to power. Nature is more powerful than we are and is always pushing back in new ways. But we look the other way.

Or, like my neighbor, we fight instead of learn.

The Dopamine Spiral

What am I looking for?

I pick up my phone and look at my calendar which is where I keep my to-do list. 

I pick it up to look at Instagram and Facebook to check my notifications "for work" and spiral through reels. 

I pick it up and I look for a smile. A distraction. Inspiration. Life.

I pick it up to do something and forget what that thing was and spiral into a rabbit hole looking for dopamine. 

I pick it up to make posts for work and I "look for inspiration" and spiral again. 

I pick it up and go on a group chat, feel less alone, and chuckle a bit. I follow a link to a social page and spiral again. 

I pick it up to use it as a clock reminder- and check my notifications. And spiral. 

I pick it up to use it as a remote- and check my notifications. And spiral.

I pick it up to use it as a map and sit in my driveway- and spiral.

I pick it up to- gasp- answer a call. Which I put on speaker, and when I get to the parking lot or driveway, I scroll and spiral some more. In the name of "checking my notifications."

Checking for what? 

That I matter to someone? 

That someone engaged with my work? 

That I didn't miss anything?

That I need to see life? 

That things are normal somewhere?

That my friends aren't having fun without me?

That something, somewhere, can make me laugh?

Make me feel?

Why don't I have these things in my life without my phone?

How do I find these things when I am always attached to my phone?

I have removed most apps. I TRY to only check the notifications on the web version of socials, and it proves to me that I am not missing anything. But I still go back. 

Today I turned off the internet on my phone and put it on a "focus" mode. 

I turned it back on - twice. In the name of work. In the name of research. The dopamine is instant.

I stopped posting for the most part back in December when my work and personal life were crashing. I understand that people will comment that they care and feel for me, but it is not action, and I didn't want comments and likes. It has been freeing- that I am not looking for comments and likes, at least on my personal pages, but I am still there. On the site. 

Where can I get a flip phone? If I am going to learn how to survive without this crutch to distract me from my life, I need to dive in head first. Like when I wanted to learn how to drive stick so I BOUGHT ONE. 

You read that right. I know how I operate, so what is keeping me here with this box still in my pocket, on my lap, next to my computer?

Emotional Baggage

I am at that wonderful period of life where I am raising kids (ages 7,9,13,15) and handling my parents' aging, all while navigating my own hormonal changes. This is why we are supposed to have kids young- so that we can take care of everyone separately. Yay, womanhood. 

...

My dad has prostate cancer. 

We received the test results yesterday and now we wait for the next steps.

This is the 3rd cancer in a year. Melanoma, thyroid, and now this. Ironically, he had to have surgery on a disk in his neck or we wouldn't have known about the thyroid cancer, which led to them finding the prostate cancer. In that light, we are lucky. He is lucky. It is aggressive and advanced, and had he not needed neck surgery, we would have found out too late. And this entry would read very differently. 

... 

It is easy to take advantage of the fact that our parents will always be there when things are hectic and life keeps lifing. My parents are extremely involved in my family's life, and make it possible for us to work "off" hours in the hospitality industry, and for us to navigate the activities of 4 kids while working weird hours. 

Most of the time, I see my parents in passing. Dropping off or picking up a kid. Them helping me. We joke that my dad gets dispatched- he is a retired truck driver, so mom is dispatch and he goes where she says. They are the most amazing and loving and involved and supportive grandparents- I couldn't dream of better for my kids. But I want them for me.

...

The past few months have made me realize that this is it. I have to change the patterns. I want a relationship that goes further than drop-offs and pick-ups. I want to work less and engage with all of my loved ones more. I don't know how much time I have with either of them to be honest. My mom is the least healthiest person I know. She would disagree, but it is a constant health battle.

Also, my mom does not deal with stress well. She is a doer- a fixer- a go-getter. When things like cancer happen, you cannot fix, do, or go-get. You have to wait and trust. We are not good and waiting and trusting. We just don't do it. But with cancer, there is not another option. We are not oncologists. We are forced to realize our own limitations. We cannot fix everything- and we are not okay being told that. I say "we" because I am very similar and I understand her struggle. 

On the other side of the family, it is not much better. My mother-in-law is refusing to acknowledge that age is catching up with her and her strokes. We thankfully talked her into a ranch closer to where her kids live, but we still don't see her often. And every time we do, she is injured. She refuses assistance or to acknowledge that there are things she cannot do. And we as a family refuse to force her hand. Ignorance is bliss?

...

If I learned anything from my father-in-law's death 10 years ago this month, it is that we have to stop and lean in. But I didn't learn. I let life keep lifing. I ignored the years passing and the reality of aging.

Unfortunately, we often forget until it is a crisis. But it is a choice and it involves breaking the pattern. I am being selfish, but dammit- I want memories. I want more. More time, more conversations, more laughter, more history- more. more. more.

I have started to invite my parents over on Mondays- we are both usually home with all of the kids, and I usually cook for the week. We have made them play games and have already made some great memories. They constantly say that they do not want to intrude. I don't know how to make them understand that this is so important for all of us. 

I wish I had made this a part of our lives long ago. I often thought of family dinner nights, but we just kept being so busy and I was so tired. 

Tired is still alive. 

I want 20 years of family dinners, and dammit I will try my best to make it happen. I am now attending all doctor appointments- to clarify, take notes, mediate between both my parents and the doctors, and to summarize. We have all agreed that this worked quite well, and I am glad to be a part of this. And to give back. I want to help them like they always help me. 

But to be honest, I just want them. 

From Scraps to Food?

I garden because I am scared of being wasteful.

I don't know how I became frugal. Maybe it is because I work in the most wasteful industry. Maybe because I like to travel and need to save money to do it. Maybe it is because after bringing my first child into the world, I was terrified at what I would be leaving behind. Or maybe the "reduce-reuse-recycle" campaign hit hard. 

But regardless of why, I find myself hopefully optimistic that I can grow things from seeds, that I can find a craft for the non-recycalable waste, that we will resuse boxes and ziplock bags. 

My family was not frugal. Ironically, my mom grew up in a home where "going to the dump" to find things was a normal thing to say. Her parents survived the depression, and I am sure that left a lasting impact. She often tells us that she had 2 pairs of jeans and 2 sweatshirts, and that was it. 

My mom only bought us new clothes, and a lot of them. She only bought name brand snacks and food, and we had a lot of that, too- even when we couldn't afford it. She gave us what she didn't have- she didn't want us to feel that level of embarassment when we went out into the world. 

What I want for my kids is a knowledge of how our food grows, the effort it takes, how easily it is to NOT grow it (meaning how easy it is for the plants to die!), and an understanding of waste. Sometimes I wonder what they will take from all of this and how it will show in the ways that they raise their own kids...

I often use veggie leftovers to make veggie stock for this very reason, which blew my dads mind one day. He had never really thought about how easy it is to make veggies stock til he was over for dinner and I was taking all the scraps and throwing them in a pot of water. 

TIP- you can freeze your veggie scraps until you have enough to fill a pot half way. Then you just boil them for a half hour, and save the water when its done! You can then compost the remains if you are a closet hippie like myself :)

The other day, I made shepards pie at the request of my youngest (7). While I was peeling the potatoes, I thought about how wasteful it is. Then I thought: will new potatoes will grow from peels?? 

That is now today's attempt at being less wastefull.

I think I will also try quarter of an onion that I have leftover. I will update you on the progress! So far, I laid the potato peels out to "dry" a bit (picked up the idea from a quick internet search). I only saved the skins that had eyes- they are going in the dirt today, but I may have dried them out too much...

Only time will tell! And if it doesn't work? I will use the soil somewhere else. 

Please share ideas of reusing and being less wastefull! I have piles of things in my basement that I would love to use up :)