Introverted Extrovert

 

People who meet me never expect me to be an introvert. I learned to mask and perform- because that is how I got my way as a child, and as a grown person, that is how we get to our goals. 

That may sound psychotic, but isn't everything we do ultimately selfish? We have a goal to achieve, and we must do the things to achieve it. Which was something I learned early. I was "stubborn" and "determined" and "funny" and "a tomboy" but really, I was just a kid that saw something and went for it. I didn't let myself be constrained by expectations or rules until I was older. At this point, I learned how to mold them, and usually, it was through people and their reactions to me.

Thankfully, I truly LOVE [most] people. I love learning what makes them tick- what led them to their belief systems, why they do what they do, what they love and hate, and how they got to where they are. I love learning about them and that leads to authentic relationships. Which is something I desire, so it in itself it's a selfish goal. 

Once those relationships are formed, I don't know how to proceed. I keep myself extraordinarily busy as a coping mechanism for life, and that leads to limited free time, and quite honestly, it leads to many people being intimidated by me. They think I am something that I am not. They think I am more successful, have more friends, and have more energy and more relationships than I do. So I have one friend, and we own a business together. She and I share some traits, though we are very opposite in many, but it allows us to devote time together, which is nice. This is not to discount the MANY friends I have that I don't get to engage with regularly- but like I mentioned, I make it hard to be my friend. 

Literally, make plans with me for next month and I AM ON IT. Next week? Not happening. 

I didn't learn about my introvertedness until I had my first baby. I couldn't figure out why I was so overwhelmed (and the postpartum didn't help). Before having a kid, I did my activities and came home to veg out. Stare at a TV, read, and go on my laptop to scroll FB (this was not even that long ago- but social media was thankfully not what it is today. Can we bring back MySpace please??). 

Sometime around my 2nd kid, I realized that I was missing the recharge. I needed downtime. I was quite possibly ADHD and had been self-medicating since I was 15... That realization didn't change much, but at least it happened. 

I love being at work running a restaurant and getting to know my team and my guests. I love making people happy, and even engaging with those that are unhappy because I get the opportunity to change that before they leave! But when the shift is over, I am done emotionally. And I go home to my love, 4 kids, 2 cats, a new dog, and a messy house.

When the kids were little, I would wait until after bedtime so the house would be quiet. But then the pandemic hit. I was pushed into a house with four kids 24/7 who needed attention, activities, and schooling while navigating the stressors of the pandemic on my 3 businesses. I was not able to have the "extroverted" time that fueled me or the "introverted" time that recharged me. And I have suffered ever since. 

I am still trying, 5 years later, to reconfigure what I need and how to meet those needs. Business wise we finally stopped being in pandemic mode and began recession mode- topped with whatever this new administration is doing and waiting for the shoe to drop on prices and consumer spending. Family-wise, the needs are constantly changing depending on the kid and the time of their life.

I have one kid being homeschooled, and one that wants to join (my oil and water kids, of course). I have a business I want to get rid of and am coming out of a failed business venture that is leaving us on the verge of bankruptcy. I lost my therapist due to an insurance change (I cannot afford to pay out of pocket), I am repeatedly dreaming that my husband is leaving me for someone better, and life keeps on lifing. Yes, that's a word spell check doesn't acknowledge and I use it often. Life keeps on lifing. 

So how do I navigate my internal needs when the external is constantly pushing me and taking my energy? How do I recharge? I am trying to write- hence this blog- to see if that makes a difference. It keeps me off the doom-scroll. It makes me think outside of the immediate. It allows me time to be internal. I am trying to work out just for the alone time. I am trying to live in the moment and learn this new life that exists. Our businesses that thrived until 2019 are never going to be the same, so how do I change what I love to do? How can I be immersed in a world of people and feel invigorated again? 

You may think that I am just depressed, but I think it is situational depression. Perimenopause, kids, a husband, a home, sick parents, business ownership, politics- it's the eye of the storm and I just don't know what is on the other side. The type-A in me doesn't do well in the unknown- especially when there are limited actions I can take to maintain control.

We can only control what we can control (blah blah blah) and I haven't chopped my hair yet, which is usually my tell that I am in an unknown period. Maybe blogging is a better way to control the unknown- I get to control what I share with you!

In response to my need to maintain business and control, my therapist told me to lay on the floor and do nothing for 5 minutes each day. That never worked. Most of the time I don't have time for that, but when I do try, it hurts. But I do try to sit in moments. It's a start. 

She also gave me a book which I started reading since I miss her. In the first few pages of the book, it talked about reptiles and how they haven't changed for millions of years. Reptiles kept on reptiling- since the dinosaurs and maybe even before. They learned to come out of the water, to walk better, to run faster, to survive.

Except. I love an exception. A bending of the rules. Determination. Stubbornness. Creativity.

Selfishness. 

Except for birds. Some reptiles made the jump to birds- they didn't need to walk better, run faster, or swim- they needed to fly. And they did.

But it didn't happen overnight.

A Journey to Find Contentment

This is the story of a girl who always felt lost but felt driven to something bigger than herself. 

I am always amazed by what I have done, seen, and learned, the people I have met and loved and lost, and the journey I continue on each day. Only now I am a woman and have packed that girl away.* 

*Thanks to lots of work with my therapist

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Every winter I fall into a spiral of stress and feeling lost- living in almost Canada with frigid temps and bleak views. But then one day every year, it all changes. I go outside and there are the first signs- these beautiful little flowers start popping up everywhere. 

If I could, I would cover my lawn with crocuses.

These flowers are a sign that nothing is forever. The only thing that is for sure is change. They lie under the muck and fight their way through piles of crud to show themselves in the sun. 

Change can physically hurt, but it is necessary to keep moving to find the place where the beauty lies.

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The other day, one of my kids asked if I was "happy." I thought to myself that if she had to ask, she couldn't tell by looking at me. I explained to her that I have learned that the happiness that we see in movies and TV (and now social media) is not attainable and it will drive someone crazy to try to achieve it. It is shown with smiles and laughter and scenes of groups of people all having a perfect time- but that is not real life. Happiness can also be contentment. Feeling at peace. Feeling surrounded by love. I don't need to have a perma-grin or belly laugh to feel that.

What I have learned in my 47 years is that beauty and peace look different for everyone. 

But we as a society tend to focus on sameness. Achieving what others have. Keeping up with the Jones'. We join groups and read articles and watch reels that say what we "should" be feeling, or "should" be doing, instead of looking internally at what it is that affects us for the positive. Hint: It is not social media.

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My goal in my 47th year is to focus on the small moments, the times when my soul finds peace and contentment. To ignore the nonsense, the distractions, and the stuff we just need to get through to get to the other side. 

I identify with the crocus. I get piled on with crap- sometimes small, sometimes huge- and eventually I pop through the piles of shit and shine myself in the sun for the world to see. Layer on all the sticks and dead leaves and mud and snow you can, but I WILL persevere. 

And when I reach into the sun and find my moment of contentedness, I know that it is different for the tulip, the daffodil, the rose, the hyacinth... we all have different needs, but we are all beautiful creatures sharing this space.

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The purpose of this blog is to share. To share stories of things I have learned through the hospitality industry, business ownership, parenthood, homeownership, marriage, and everything in between. I hope that you may use those lessons as appropriate to jump past in your own life- and maybe take a snippet of another perspective on your way.